


We're okay, he's okay, I'm not okay

by Paralexium



Category: Alexander Hamilton - Ron Chernow, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Dark, Denial, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mental Anguish, Relationship(s), Sad, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:34:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27905308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paralexium/pseuds/Paralexium
Summary: Alexander and John's been married for five years, however an accident two years ago led to some strange events for Alexander. At a moments notice his husband disappears out of sight with no sound or indication for where he's gone, only to come back later at random.It wasn't before an arranged dinner with Lafayette and Hercules that Alex finally understood what was going on, and why he hurt so much inside.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan
Comments: 7
Kudos: 26





	We're okay, he's okay, I'm not okay

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like it's only right to warn you as the reader, as this is a kind of dark-themed work. However simple it may seem, if you really read into the text and analyze it there is a deeper meaning and perhaps multiple meanings to this work. 
> 
> Also, I just have to say that this is probably one of my proudest works I have ever written, and I wrote it at 1 am... My creative mind wakes up after midnight apparently, so no sleep for the wicked. 
> 
> Also thank you Nelthalen for beta reading my work once again!

Hamilton woke up in their king-sized bed, duvet covering the lower half of his body. He reached out his arm to the other side of the bed, feeling for something yet only meeting air and cold sheets. Opening his eyes and looking to the side, he saw his husband missing. 

Probably went to the bathroom then, as per usual in the morning hours. 

Alexander got up and out of bed, stretching his arms and back, a popping noise sounding as sleep was slowly pulled from each limb. Putting on a shirt and pants, Alex made his way towards the bathroom door, knocking on it a couple times before he called out. 

“John, I was thinking about something.”

A couple seconds ticked by before he was rewarded with a reply.

“What were you thinking about, my dear?” The sound was muffled by the door between them, however, Alexander heard it.

They had often talked about inviting Hercules and Lafayette over for dinner, seeing as it’s been way too long since all of them have been back together, simply for the fun of each other’s company. Just like Laurens and himself, Hercules and Lafayette had gotten together as a couple, the two of them matching perfectly. 

“How about, we invite Hercules and Lafayette over for that dinner thing we’ve been talking about for so long?” Alex was unsure whether his husband would be up for it today or not. Some days, Laurens had not the excess energy for social interactions. It concerned Alexander, especially seeing as John would have days where he would just sit and stare out the window, or not even get out of bed in the morning. 

Whenever Alex tried to help him or ask his beautiful husband what he needed, Laurens broke down into tears and cried in his embrace. On the worst of days, Alex tried to convince his love to seek out professional help. He got a “no” every single time, be it out of stubbornness or his pride, or perhaps because he was afraid to go. Despite the long nights of tears and whispers of reassurance, telling himself and John that they would both be okay; Alexander could never bring himself to try and push his love.

Yes, Alexander was exhausted from those endless nights, but he would endure. He would endure anything the world brought down on him for John. 

Alex grew more nervous for every second that went by without an answer from the other side of the door, though he was finally rewarded for his patience. 

“You know what? Yes, that sounds like an absolutely wonderful idea.” Hamilton released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. One of the good days, then. 

Alexander left his husband to finish up in the bathroom, letting him know he would call the others and see if they’d have time for a get together dinner.

-

Unlocking his phone, Alex looked up his contacts for Lafayette and dialed the number. The tone rang a few times before it was picked up. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi Lafayette. It’s me, Alexander!”

“Oh, Alex! Nice to hear your voice after such a long time. You doing okay?”

Niceties were shared among the two for a couple minutes before Alexander got to ask the question he’d called for. 

“So anyways, I’d like to invite you and Hercules over for a nice little dinner. If you’re up for it and got the time, that is?” 

He was put on hold for a short while, Lafayette checking their calendar, whilst also asking Hercules whether he would be willing to go.

To Alex’s immense relief they said yes, and they decided on a time for which they would arrive. Ultimately, they wanted to make the food together, just for the sake of quality time. However, Alex couldn’t help the thought that the others wanted to help him because they were worried. They were always worried about him. They would call him on stormy days making sure he was okay. And sometimes they would call to ask if he was ´okay´, and if he ever needed to talk they were there for him. 

What would he need to talk about though? If anyone needed someone to talk to, it would be his Laurens. Alexander didn’t blame his husband for not wanting or being unable to speak to him about his troubled mind. It was not like he was unfamiliar with the hurricane that is the human mind. 

Deep in his own thoughts, Hamilton hadn’t noticed his husband had come down into the kitchen. John was standing at the counter, pouring himself a glass of milk, and putting two slices of bread into the toaster. 

When John caught Alex´s eye, he took in his husbands’ appearance. His hair done up in a ponytail, a couple of thick, curly strands, dangling at his forehead. A good day indeed. 

Had it been one of the bad days, his husband wouldn’t have bothered putting his hair up, let alone brush it. Alexander would often brush the brown curly locks before they went to bed if Laurens allowed it. He took notice of the fact that he’d also put on actual clothes, instead of donning the usual no effort pajamas shirt. However soft it was. 

He knew better than to point out these facts to his lovely husband. That today was one of his best days. It would crumble away, and turn bad in the matter of minutes, if not seconds. Better to just let it be and enjoy it whilst it lasts. 

With that in mind, he went to pull out a note block from one of the drawers. Ready to scribble down what they would need to make dinner. 

“I spoke with Lafayette. They’re coming by at 5 pm, saying they want to help prepare the food. You know, for the pure sake of quality time with us.” Alex huffed out a breathy laugh. 

Getting no response, Alex turned back around and looked to where Laurens had been a moment ago. Weird as it may be, it happened quite often that his husband suddenly disappeared from his line of sight. It has been like that for nearly two years now, though they started dating and got married only but five years ago. 

No, it wasn’t until around two years ago that his one true love had begun to suddenly disappear in a sort of magical act. He always came back though, again like a magical trick and sometimes or, rather quite often, it scared the living daylights out of Hamilton. 

Nevertheless, he went back to writing down ingredients. It was only when he felt a presence beside him that he let up on his scribbling. Sure enough, Laurens was sat at the table beside him, smiling and looking at Alex expectantly. Toast and milk had been set out on a plate. Alexander simply smiled at him in a silent thank you.

-

Alex went out for groceries alone, waving his goodbyes to John on his way out the door. It wasn’t like he was going to need help carrying bags. They needed very few ingredients from the store, seeing as they had mostly everything in stock already. 

Shopping was a quick and easy affair; Alexander was already on his way back home after half an hour. Looking at the clock on his phone, he noticed the time was already past 3 pm. If he hurried home to put the groceries away, then take a shower, he might just be able to get started on some of the dinner before Hercules and Lafayette arrived to help with the rest. They would probably be less than thrilled to see Alex already working on it, but he couldn’t care less. At any rate, it just meant they could spend more time talking at the table. 

By the time Alexander made it home to the apartment, calling out to John and letting him know he was back, it was close to 4pm. 

“Brisk shower it is, then.”

-

Alexander was cutting up some carrots, John was situated behind him on a chair reading a book, when the doorbell rang. In burst Hercules and right behind him, Lafayette. They never seemed to change, always making a grand entrance wherever they went. 

“Alexander! I just knew you would begin dinner before we arrived!” Lafayette screeched accusingly, a bemused Hercules weighing down on his shoulders to try and calm him down. 

“Now, now love if you knew, why are you getting so worked up? Besides, you hate cutting vegetables so no complaining should be heard from you.” As always, Hercules was right, and this left behind a very pouty Frenchman. Alexander and Hercules erupted into laughter at his antics, he wasn’t actually angry at either of them. To put it simply, he just liked to act dramatic at the smallest of things. 

The laughs subsided, and as Alexander looked behind him to see if John was still reading, he came to see the chair his love had occupied, empty. Strange indeed, and yet not uncommon.

As expected, having three people cooking a meal was nice, easy and quick. Soon enough Alexander retreated to put out plates on the table. Four plates, four wine glasses and cutlery for each of them. To top it off, candles where placed in the middle of the table, creating a warm atmosphere. Perfection in Alexanders eyes. 

Just as Alexander finished lighting the last candle, Lafayette came out from the kitchen, food in hand. 

Lafayette scanned the table trying to find the best spot to place down their meal, when he noticed something strange. 

“Four plates?” he asked, looking to Alex beside him. 

Alexander blinked and looked strangely at Lafayette, not quite understanding what he meant with his question. “Yes… four plates. We’re four people after all, or have you forgotten how to count perhaps” Alexander jested. 

A sudden realization washed over Lafayette like a wave of ice-cold water, his heart pounding fast and uneasy in his chest. He wasn’t sure, not at all, but… he had to ask. 

“Alex… No, I have not but… may I ask. Who the fourth person is? It seems to have escaped my memory as to who it may be?” Lafayette tried to keep and even and light tone, however he heavily doubted that’s how it sounded. 

He was met with a tiny laugh from Alex before he got the answer he feared most.

“Oh, Lafayette don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about your dear friend, and my lovely husband. I must say, sometimes your jokes are weird and quite out there, I often don’t understand them at all!” The laughing intensified. “The fourth plate is obviously for John, you know?” 

Though he had laughed loudly just before, the sound quickly died as he saw the look of worry, sadness, or was it pity, no, a bit of all those emotions gather on the face of his dear friend. He didn’t understand. What was wrong? Had he said the wrong thing, no that couldn’t have been it. 

Tears now streaked down Lafayette’s face as he called out for Hercules, his voice breaking just a little, eyes never leaving Alex. In mere seconds, Herc was beside them both, alarmed at the tears rolling down the cheeks of his love and the confused, slightly horrified look on his best friend´s face. 

Herc placed a firm hand on Alexanders shoulder, causing the smaller man to withdraw from him. Alex´s focus was on Lafayette, and then he stared into the worried expression of Hercules. They seemed to loom in front of him, cornering. 

Alexander was scared, he needed his John. He hadn’t seen him since their friends arrived, haven’t heard him since. Tears prickled and threatened to leave his eyes. There was something in Hercules´ gaze that told him, or rather made him understand, that something was not right. No, actually something was horribly wrong. 

“Alexander, I’m so sorry but… John… he… He died two years ago. Do you not remember?”

No, no that’s wrong! It was a freak accident but they got out if it okay. They both did. John was still here, …right? He saw him everyday, so he couldn’t have died. Alexander held him close every night, he cried with him every night as they held onto each other. John was talking to him! He could hear his voice when he asked him a question… whenever he asked a question.

“No…. You’re lying. He’s right here, in this house. He must be upstairs, reading his book. Yes! He’s reading a book.” Panicked and having to know John was really there, Alexander spurted upstairs to their bedroom. Behind him followed Hercules, while Lafayette waited downstairs, not sure how to react to Alex’ outburst and the mental state he was in. The denial, the hurt his friend was in and he hadn’t known. None of them had known, and how could they not have known….

Frantically, Alexander burst through the bedroom door. His love nowhere to be found, yet he was determined to keep looking. He had to be here somewhere, anywhere. 

“He’s here Hercules, I swear. I saw and spoke to him just this morning!” Panic laced his words, tears streaking heavily down his cheeks like waterfalls. It wasn’t true. Pillows were thrown from their bed and blankets torn to the side in an attempt to uncover any sign of his husband. 

Nothing. 

Panic turned into anger, the nearest pillow being the easy target for his fury. Dropping to his knees, he beat his fists down into the pillow tossed haphazardly on the floor. Harder and harder each time until his knuckles started to bleed when they were met with the hard-wooden floorboards through the softness of the pillow. 

He kept at it hysterically until Hercules grabbed onto his left wrist, prepared to throw another fist at the pillow. Hercules other hand firmly grabbed onto his right shoulder. He spun Alexander around, hastily enveloping him in a tight embrace and whispered to him, “We had no idea you hurt so much Alex… I’m so, so sorry.”

He fought it at first, but as he slowly came to the realization of everything that had occurred in the span of an hour… it all came crashing down on him. Hard.

Hands clutched at Hercules´ shirt, blood smearing the fabric from his broken knuckles, yet he didn’t notice the stinging pain. Alexander cried, for the first time in two years he truly let go of all the pain he held inside. For the first time since John died. Loudly wailing into the neck of his friend, who held him tighter for every choking sob escaping Alexander. 

In between sobs, Hercules heard the tiny voice of his defeated friend. 

“I’m not okay. We were never okay Hercules; he was never okay.”


End file.
